HOLY CRAP

so i kept my day empty cos i thought there was gonna be tuition but guess what, it’s cancelled.

STEP ONE

it is very tiring to be angry at someone, it takes a lot out of you. i just realised that. especially with crying, you really lose a lot of energy. but you continue to wait and wait and hopefully you feel better at the end of the day, and hope you don’t have to waste your energy the next day. but the cycle continues. until you put a stop to it yourself.

i finally understand that i do not have to be angry. i can just ignore my emotions and carry on with life. it isn’t good to be angry or unhappy. i’ve resolved to be a better person. i’m going to do myself a big favour and be happy.

not sure if this makes sense. but for anyone who’s feeling angry/depressed/upset at the moment, don’t feel that way anymore. it’s just a waste of time. pull yourself together and walk on because you’ll get a whole lot more out of your life not being angry.

STUBBY THUMBS

whoa just read shihwee’s blog. i feel so sad right now. 😦

The Wrecking Ball

i am one giant wrecking ball. i destroy everything, not tall buildings definitely, but happiness. my happiness. others, as well. i don’t know what the fuck is wrong with me. but i just do it. i’m sorry.

Apocalypse Now

is just playing in my head over and over again.

last night was angsty despite the bad alcohol. way to go sze li! you’re 18!

Apocalypso

OUCH i just put my head back to try and rest it on the pillow and i hit the fucking wall. seriously, OUCH.

didn’t do anything much today just went for tuition. i never fail to get irritated by the overpopulated bedok. NEVER. there are so many people and so many people that smell bad. and the people don’t give way to anybody so when you’re in a rush, you feel like the force is working against you and you wished that you had some sort of weapon to eradicate everyone around you.

today’s tuition was held in the afternoon so i had a chance to walk more leisurely because there were less people. as i waswalking from the MRT station to the bus interchange there were about 200 people trying to hand/stuff flyers in my hand. usually im like FUCK OFF I DON’T WANT THEM but today i took a flyer from this lady. and without looking at it i just chucked it into the nearest bin. i mean, talk about saving the planet? don’t these people know that they are killing themselves one flyer at a time? and the extent of this flyer thing is CRAZY there are so many of them in so many different parts of singapore. don’t businesses have other means of advertising than giving out flyers? because nobody reads them and nobody wants them

i was thinking about the power of these people on the streets. haha it’s really random and i might sound like i think i’m profound and stuff but i’m not i just wish this only came to me sooner. i don’t think very much when i’m out on the streets because my ipod is helping me build a blockade around myself and the world. and so i was thinking to myself how much power i have as a consumer. these people are desperately trying to get you to take away their flyers so their job will be finished more quickly. instead of giving you one, they give you two but it’s too late to tell them you got two, because you know it’s a ploy and you don’t have time to turn around to give it back to them because there are a million other people behind you rushing to get home, to make love, to tend to their kids, to eat, i don’t know what else? and you have the power to reject these people, you can shake your head or just ignore them. i always smile and look away but i realised that i’m being too charitable with my smile because these people don’t deserve it. they make me miserable. so why the hell do i smile? and after taking the flyer from them, you momentarily feel like you’re on top of the situation because you can then make a decision to read it, or just toss it almost stylishly into the litter bin.

i’m so sad that i don’t think enough. i probably should think more about life and the wonders of life. because i think i take all the regularity and the stability of human life too lightly.

LOOK AT HOW YOU LOOK AT ME

sigh i feel so weird. like i don’t know whether i’m supposed to just relax or do something. i know i’m such a bitch for complaining that there’s nothing to do. but i really feel like there’s nothing i can do. i’m so bored and i hate this feeling. i know i should probably start on my revision so that i don’t leave it to the last week, as i always do, but hell, i can’t get started on ANYTHING.

looking for love in all the wrong places

the title should suffice. im looking for love in a book.

Protected: This is just an angsty post so i’m locking it

This content is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

Password:

dysfunction in the family often tears people apart. it’s in the deepest darkest corners that you’ll find the hurt. nobody shows it on the outside. it’s just weird because you would suppose that these people are ’emo’ and they cry a lot and they need to talk to people a lot. they just don’t want to think about the shit in their life and that’s why they lock everything away. dysfunction in any part of your life basically will fuck you up. no matter how you try to avoid its impacts on you. it’s evident because our characters are honed in that matter. to be headstrong, so no one will have the power to knock you over. to be the leader, so you got the power to influence decisions. to never be alone, to be brave, to be prim and proper. it’s difficult to look at the world and understand it because there’s so little on the surface. what’s really interesting is the burrows in a person’s heart. all the years of hiding and clouding yourself with delusions that everything is all right, that everything will turn out to be fine in the end. you don’t want to vent it on anyone so you just keep it to yourself. until you can take it no more, you lash it out on your most beloved, your significant other, your boyfriend, your girlfriend. you wish someone would understand your intense hurt. when they say they do, you sigh and shake your head and say no, there’s no way you could. you try to place this person in your shoes but you always deny the fit. i just wish i could go away and throw all these problems away so that i can start anew. i want to start on a fresh page. how is it possible? whenever i turn over the page, i see the stains seeping through and instantly i see the damage again. even if you turn over the pages as fast as possible you find that you can never beat the devil. it’s too much for me. i’m sorry if i hate you. but it’s too much for me. i just wish you were some place else. i deserve to go to hell for this. but i think i’ll see you there.