what a difference a night makes

there’s no point in holding on to any hope when you know the situation, no matter how different, could never veer from garnering traditional results of failure.

seriously just leave yourself some dignity. walk away with whatever self-esteem you have left. don’t look back or wonder how it would have been.

for the lack of more appropriate words – let it go

156

i feel slightly happier today. watched two movies when i was supposed to be studying. but really, no harm done in any way. i think I’m in love with miles teller. he’s the greatest. i just want to smother him with kisses. and literally do anything for him. he’s soooooo cute.

that’s about all i wanna type today.

bye xx

you’re nuts.

1000 times a day

so i thought id be a little diligent in clearing out my old emails. and then i found emails from you that dates back to 2006. and i just couldn’t help it but read them. and in the process, i cut open old wounds and my fucking tears run down my face again.

fuck you. fuck you, you fucker. 

i hope you lose the people that you love. i really do. because i think it’s too goddamn unfair that i’m the only one still hurting. i still feel hurt because of what you did to me. i still feel hurt because of this unsatisfactory life i am living because of adults who can’t get their shit together. one day you’ll understand how it is like to really hurt inside. you say you feel hurt when people look at you and judge you because they see you as someone worthless. well, i feel worthless too. i’ve been feeling worthless for a long time. and you never once thought to address my unhappiness, but just trudged on your fucking way to ‘success’. and once you felt you were too good for me you just left me to die alone. how fucking selfish. how fucking egoistical.

the love you proclaimed you had for me was a pack of lies. all the talk about wanting me and waiting for me when we were younger were lies. pure bullshit. i hope you hurt bad. and when i die i will come back to haunt you. i will make sure you suffer sleepless nights like i do, and be emotionally scarred for your remaining days. and if you die before i do, i’ll see you in hell.

Baby, tell me please
Is this a dream, spending the night with you?
Beneath the cherry trees
Just make a wish, and everything comes true.

ttb – aurevoirsimone

everytime.

it’s scary how you two look alike. everytime i see your face i get a rude shock.

i don’t know why i’m so unhappy right now

shit i’d say to you

if you still want me to be there,
i’d be there in a minute to say
‘i love you enough to drive like an hour from
wherever i am to be with you’

and it is always the simplest shit that means the most

-ymxtt

Disclaimer: this post contains material of self-pity

every year i wish for everyone around me to be happy and healthy. fuck that. this year imma wish a boyfriend for myself.

this year wasn’t all fucked up. i’ve had so many amazing experiences with my best mate and also new experiences with new friends i’ve made. it’s funny how during the holiday season everyone that means anything to me is away and it gets awfully boring and lonely. also, following the holidays, my friends are starting to leave for other continents for their exchange programs. well all i can say is saying goodbye sucks. but good on them for making it and i’m sure they’ll come out of it with stronger personalities and even brighter minds. i will stay in singapore and try to work on my grades in the meantime.

i think for almost 5 years now i’ve not been truly happy or felt like i’ve let loose because there’s always something shitty happening back in the household. it’s funny how mi casa doesn’t feel like my house. it’s strange how i never get home-sick anymore or ever want to rush home for anything. also, it’s not easy to put those emotions behind me. they creep up on me every now and then and it’s difficult to deal with what i feel. and more recently i’ve been feeling confused and very alone. everybody’s got somebody to talk to; who will really listen to them, hug them and say “everything’s going to be all right”. even if at that point neither one feels that’s the truth, at least it helps during that moment to administer some reassurance. maybe that’s why i binge-watch tv series, crave comedic experiences in the imaginary world and in reality with friends, and indulge in fatty foods and alcohol. that’s the only other way to distract me or shift the guilt to somewhere else.

happy new year xx

all you have to do is smoke it

hello out there

it’s almost a day since i’ve returned from bangkok and more than 2 since i’ve left koh phangan. i am missing phangan immensely. it was just pure bliss – getting high, partying from dusk to dawn, meeting new people, exploring new spots. i will never forget that place or what happened those few days. i want to go back now please. if i don’t have love here i want to search for love there.

xx

running an M83 fever