Disclaimer: this post contains material of self-pity

every year i wish for everyone around me to be happy and healthy. fuck that. this year imma wish a boyfriend for myself.

this year wasn’t all fucked up. i’ve had so many amazing experiences with my best mate and also new experiences with new friends i’ve made. it’s funny how during the holiday season everyone that means anything to me is away and it gets awfully boring and lonely. also, following the holidays, my friends are starting to leave for other continents for their exchange programs. well all i can say is saying goodbye sucks. but good on them for making it and i’m sure they’ll come out of it with stronger personalities and even brighter minds. i will stay in singapore and try to work on my grades in the meantime.

i think for almost 5 years now i’ve not been truly happy or felt like i’ve let loose because there’s always something shitty happening back in the household. it’s funny how mi casa doesn’t feel like my house. it’s strange how i never get home-sick anymore or ever want to rush home for anything. also, it’s not easy to put those emotions behind me. they creep up on me every now and then and it’s difficult to deal with what i feel. and more recently i’ve been feeling confused and very alone. everybody’s got somebody to talk to; who will really listen to them, hug them and say “everything’s going to be all right”. even if at that point neither one feels that’s the truth, at least it helps during that moment to administer some reassurance. maybe that’s why i binge-watch tv series, crave comedic experiences in the imaginary world and in reality with friends, and indulge in fatty foods and alcohol. that’s the only other way to distract me or shift the guilt to somewhere else.

happy new year xx